Dreams are curious beasts.
I haven’t ever really had them. I am one of those people that wakes up never remembering them with an odd exception every few years. But from the time I was three I had a reoccurring nightmare that would strike 1-2 times a year until I was into my late teens.
I would run and run and run around the Young Talent Time set never getting anywhere until a wave of sand swept through. I would still be running of course. Then the wave would pause as it came over me, its shadow swallowing me up in darkness. The crest would solidify and then whole thing would drop. I would wake up just as it was about to hit me.
I don’t know what is scarier – the sand wave or that it featured a teen variety evening show set that went off the air when I was eight.
Tonight I decided to decipher what this dream meant. There is no way I can look up something as specific as YTT but sand, running and darkness are up for grabs.
According to dreammoods.com sand represents “...a shift in perspective or a change in your attitude.” I must have been a slide puzzle of perspective back in the day. In terms of the running – “if you are running away from ... any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.” I was three the first time I had this dream, I was scared of the Humphrey B Bear poster on the back of my bedroom door, the dark, and a whole host of other things.
I think this dream/nightmare represents a lack of creativity if anything. Come on, repeating a dream for 15 years...it smacks of a lacking personality.
Goals are a completely different kettle of fish.
My goal have always been pretty simple –
• Be happy.
I’ve been around dissatisfied adults my entire childhood and it’s a soul sucker.
It’s made me the person I am today. A chick who would need to be secure in everything and cynical in everything else. It also was making me fail at my singular goal. I should have learned from them instead of copying them.
Japan changed that a little. Twenty eight years of doing what I thought I should be doing and never really enjoying much. Blogging changed that too. I started for altruistic reasons and it ended up being a lot more selfish and rewarding than I anticipated. I don’t regret it.
My goals have started changing with my role in blogging. They’ve become more specific –
• Be happy
• Start writing already!
• Reduce my Diet Coke consumption
• Be nicer
• Listen better
I’ve done the first three. Number four has only occurred because I am drinking Coke Zero in Japan – a technical win. The last two are firm fails. Number one required much bigger life changes that I am already pondering namely a career change. One that I have been offered lots of advice on but I still have no clue. The crux of it is...I need to work where my passion is – books. The question is how and when. But moving across the world and taking a risk is a precursor to a bigger risk I am contemplating.
If I wanted to be really honest I would say that love was there too. Firmly on the list.
But it hasn’t happened yet.
I keep waiting.
The first question I am asked when I see people is...do you have a boyfriend (now altering to husband) and it allows people to make assumptions when I say no. I’ve had a neighbour think I was gay for an entire year based on one girlfriend coming around one night to drink wine and watch 40 Year Old Virgin...I can’t win.
If I am snarky I say that ‘I haven’t met anyone I can tolerate long.” Which is true but also implies I don’t try hard enough, also true. But I have an exceedingly low bullshit tolerance and most guys I met are full of it. Seriously, where are the nerds?
If I am being honest, all the guys I have things in common with are 12 or spend their weekends at home like I do on the internet. I like nerd boys. But like me, they are closeted socialisers.
Being 29 doesn’t bother me. I don’t fell old because it is not old. It’s sad in that I am not accomplishing what I would like (yet) and I haven’t found love (yet) but hitting 30 doesn’t mean I have to retire into the back paddock.
2010 is the first year I have pursued my goal (I don’t say dream as that would mean I would be dead until a huge pile of sand in a 1980s TV set). I am starting fresh. I am writing after years of talking about writing. I am travelling after years of talking about travelling. I have become a do-er instead of a say-er.
My dream can go die.
Goals are meant to be flexible.
29 is not old.
It is time to embrace being me :)